Family Watchdogs: The Evolving and Vital Role of Grandparents in Modern Society

As global life expectancy increases, the phenomenon of grandparenthood is becoming a more extended and significant phase of life for many. It’s increasingly common for individuals to not only witness their grandchildren grow but also to see great-grandchildren enter the world. Almost universally, becoming a grandparent is a life stage most people will experience, with the median age for women becoming grandmothers around 45, often spending nearly half of their lives in this role.

In these extended later years, grandparents, both grandmothers and grandfathers, offer invaluable contributions to younger generations. They can foster a sense of identity in grandchildren and great-grandchildren, provide unwavering love, embody hope for the future, serve as anchors of stability and security, act as mentors, and model positive values, ideals, and beliefs. In a rapidly changing society, grandparents are presented with an unparalleled opportunity to be a positive force in the lives of their descendants. Factors such as increased divorce rates and more mothers participating in the workforce mean grandparents are more frequently called upon for childcare and support. Improved health and financial stability among seniors also equip them with greater resources to assist succeeding generations. As Dr. Lillian Carson aptly puts it, “If you’ve ever wanted to make a difference in this world, active grandparenting provides the perfect opportunity.” In essence, grandparents are becoming increasingly important Family Watchdogs, overseeing the well-being and development of younger generations within the family structure.

Shifting Perceptions of Grandparenting

The understanding of a grandparent’s role has undergone significant transformation over time. Early writings on grandparenting, primarily from psychiatrists in the 1930s and 1940s, often painted a negative picture, focusing on the stereotype of the interfering grandmother whose outdated views disrupted their children’s parenting. However, a study in 1952 by Staples offered a more balanced perspective, describing the “well-liked grandma” as someone who “keeps up with the times . . . [and] makes the transition from a position of responsibility to rendering interested helpful service.”

By the 1960s and 1970s, a more positive view of grandparents emerged. Grandparents were generally seen as less authoritarian and more lenient and affectionate compared to previous generations. In 1981, Kornhaber and Woodward highlighted the “vital connection” between grandparents and grandchildren, emphasizing the significant and positive influence grandparents have in their grandchildren’s lives. Contemporary research continues to support this view, increasingly focusing on the expanding role of grandparents, particularly as childcare providers and key family watchdogs in ensuring familial stability and continuity.

Navigating the Transition to Grandparenthood

Becoming a grandparent is a period filled with both joy and potential stress. It’s often described as a “counter transition” because unlike other life stages, the timing of grandparenthood is often beyond one’s direct control. Furthermore, it’s an ongoing transition. Most grandparents will have multiple grandchildren, extending their grandparenting role over many years.

This transitional phase can coincide with other significant life events and responsibilities. Many grandparents still have their own adult children living at home during this time, and they may also be caring for their own aging parents. As time progresses, grandparents typically navigate retirement and, for women, often experience the loss of their husbands.

Grandparenthood isn’t an instinctive role; it requires conscious thought and preparation. Dr. Carson offers valuable guidance for navigating the transition to grandparenthood:

Grandparenting necessitates some adjustments and reorganization to accommodate grandchildren, but it doesn’t require grandparents to completely abandon their own lives. It’s important for grandparents to determine the level of involvement that is right for them.
Despite the profound life change that grandparenthood represents, society lacks established rituals to acknowledge this transition. Rituals can infuse major life events with meaning and value. Grandparents can create their own traditions to mark this new chapter. This could include a family tree-planting ceremony for each grandchild, maintaining a journal about their grandchildren, writing poems, or composing letters to new grandbabies. Experienced grandmothers can also support new grandmothers by hosting “grandbaby showers,” suggesting gifts like child-friendly dishes, books to share, toys, educational videos, and recording devices to capture voices and stories.
Recognize that relationships with adult children may evolve. While parents need support, unsolicited advice can be problematic. Advice is most effective when specifically requested. The urge to intervene when seeing a solution your child may not recognize can be strong, but it’s always wiser to wait for your child to seek your opinion. Remember, grandparents are not in charge of parenting decisions. “We must earn the right to voice our opinion by establishing a supportive relationship with praise, encouragement, and acceptance.” Strive to be supportive and encouraging to new parents, acknowledging that learning from mistakes is a natural part of parenting. When visiting, respect and adhere to the rules established by the parents. In this way, grandparents act as supportive family watchdogs, offering guidance when needed but respecting parental autonomy.

The Abundant Rewards of Grandparenting

Grandparenthood brings a wealth of rewards. Grandparents are relieved of the daily grind of childcare responsibilities – the early mornings, dressing, feeding, and school runs. They enjoy the freedom to choose their level of involvement in their grandchildren’s lives. Without the weight of ultimate responsibility, they can fully appreciate the spontaneity, joy, innocence, and affection of their grandchildren.

Research indicates that most grandparents find their role deeply fulfilling. Peterson’s research revealed that grandparents derive satisfaction from feeling young again, experiencing emotional fulfillment, participating in their grandchildren’s activities, and observing their development. Grandparents who have frequent contact with their grandchildren report the highest levels of satisfaction.

One grandmother beautifully articulated the fulfilling nature of grandparenting: “Having grandchildren is the vindication of everything I have done as a parent. When we see our children passing on our values to another generation, we know we have been successful.” This intergenerational transmission of values highlights the role of grandparents as family watchdogs of cultural and familial heritage.

The experience of grandparenting often exceeds initial expectations in terms of happiness. Somary and Stricker’s study found that grandparents consistently reported greater satisfaction in their grandparenting role than they had anticipated. They concluded that “one can never fully anticipate how much joy a grandchild will bring until he/she actually arrives.”

The Unique Bond Between Grandparents and Grandchildren

A distinctive and often profound bond frequently develops between grandparents and grandchildren. Both occupy positions somewhat outside the direct pressures of mainstream society: children are considered “too young,” and grandparents are often perceived as “too old.” Grandparents are not burdened with the daily parental tasks of meeting immediate needs, homework assistance, transportation, and discipline. Their life experience, wisdom, and broader perspective often lead to greater acceptance of grandchildren. This allows grandparents to be more indulgent and offer a different kind of support, acting as emotional family watchdogs.

Victor Hugo’s anecdote beautifully illustrates this unique grandparent-grandchild dynamic: “My granddaughter was made to sit in a closet with no food as punishment. When I snuck her a cookie I said, ‘I could get in a lot of trouble for doing this. They may put me in the closet.’ She answered, ‘Don’t worry grandfather, then I will bring you a cookie’.”

During adolescence, when parental relationships can become emotionally charged and intense, grandparents can offer a valuable perspective. Their emotional and physical distance can enable them to see situations more objectively and offer a non-judgmental listening ear. Many adults fondly recall the support and understanding they received from their grandparents during this period, often expressing sentiments like, “I would never have made it without my grandparents.”

The Multifaceted Roles of Grandparents

Grandparents exert influence on their grandchildren’s lives in numerous ways. They can embody the roles of family historian, mentor, playmate, nurturer, role model, confidante, advocate, and even surrogate parent. These diverse roles underscore their position as family watchdogs, overseeing various aspects of their grandchildren’s well-being and development. Their impact profoundly shapes grandchildren’s development in several key areas:

Imparting a Sense of Identity: Grandparents serve as a living link to the past, providing children with a sense of identity and connection to their ancestry. They can cultivate appreciation for family history by acting as family historians. By sharing memories of their own childhoods and recounting stories about their children (the grandchildren’s parents), they help grandchildren feel rooted in their family lineage.

Barusch and Steen describe grandparents as “keepers of community” because they often interpret and transmit knowledge of cultural events and traditions. To help children understand their heritage, grandparents can share stories, display photographs, engage in genealogy, collect family recipes, explain the significance of heirlooms, and organize family reunions.

Joseph Kennedy Jr.’s recollection of his Grandma Rose exemplifies this: “We thought she was just sharing old memories until she showed us an ad for employment that said ‘No Irish need apply.’ Then she admonished us to ‘never forget what our roots were’.” This act of sharing history positions grandparents as family watchdogs of cultural memory and heritage.

Providing Unconditional Love: Children thrive on feeling loved, which builds self-esteem and self-confidence. The most profound gift grandparents can offer is unconditional love and support. Research indicates that the grandparent-grandchild bond is second only to the parent-child bond. Kornhaber refers to this bond as “clear love”—love without conditions or expectations. This unique, unconditional love makes grandparents crucial emotional family watchdogs. Studies have shown that this special bond often endures into adulthood.

Dr. Benjamin Spock wisely advised, “Love and enjoy your child for what he is . . . and forget about the qualities that he doesn’t have. The child who is appreciated for what he is . . . will have a spirit that will make the best of all the capacities that he has and of all the opportunities that come his way.” Grandparents foster self-esteem by consistently demonstrating love and acceptance through their words and actions, acting as emotional family watchdogs that nurture self-worth.

Representing Hope for the Future: Grandparents can demonstrate to their grandchildren that aging is not synonymous with stagnation or disinterest. By remaining engaged in learning, staying active, pursuing hobbies, and maintaining physical and mental well-being, they show grandchildren that the future remains bright at any age. Grandparents who stay current and informed about the world around them build credibility with their grandchildren and are more likely to be influential. By living with vitality, purpose, and a positive outlook, grandparents convey the message that life remains fulfilling as we age, acting as inspirational family watchdogs guiding future perspectives.
Serving as a Source of Stability and Security: Grandparents can offer stability and security by being a reliable source of support during challenging times. Many grandparents are the bedrock of their extended families—individuals family members can always depend on for assistance. Having navigated life’s hardships, they can reassure younger generations that they too can overcome difficult periods, positioning themselves as steadfast family watchdogs in times of crisis.
Acting as Mentors: Grandparents are repositories of knowledge, experience, advice, talents, and skills. Activities like reading to grandchildren, telling stories, and sharing skills such as gardening, crocheting, cooking, or car repair provide opportunities for meaningful interaction. This shared time allows grandparents not only to impart specific skills but also to engage in conversations, listen, offer guidance, and share their experiences and perspectives, becoming invaluable family watchdogs of practical wisdom.
Exemplifying Positive Values, Ideals, and Beliefs: One of the most effective forms of teaching is through example. Children are highly observant and tend to emulate adult behaviors. Grandchildren learn valuable morals and values by observing their grandparents’ words and actions. Grandparents who regularly attend religious services demonstrate the importance of faith. Those who maintain a strong work ethic, even in retirement, model the value of diligence. By showing love and support for each other and engaging in mutual encouragement, assistance, and learning, grandparents exemplify how to build a happy and lasting marriage, serving as living family watchdogs of ethical and relational values.

Factors Influencing the Level of Grandparental Influence

Research validates the significant positive impact grandparents can have on their grandchildren’s lives. Studies focusing on grandparents of teenage mothers have shown that the presence of a nurturing grandfather correlates with fewer negative emotions and increased obedience in grandchildren towards their mothers. Another study indicated that a healthy grandmother-mother bond promotes a healthy mother-grandchild attachment.

However, the extent of a grandparent’s influence is shaped by several factors:

Age of the Grandchild: Young children possess a limited, egocentric view of relationships. They perceive grandparents primarily as playmates who offer treats. Around ages 8 or 9, children begin to see their relationship with grandparents as more reciprocal and enjoyable. This period of childhood is often when time spent with grandparents is most meaningful. Adolescents may find in grandparents a sympathetic and non-judgmental listener, someone they can confide in and trust. They are also often less prone to argue with grandparents than with parents. As grandchildren mature into young adults, they begin to recognize the influence grandparents have had on their values. This evolving dynamic highlights how grandparents adapt their family watchdog role as grandchildren age.
Age of the Grandparent: Younger grandparents are more likely to engage in playful and fun interactions with their grandchildren. They often view grandchildren as a source of enjoyment and personal indulgence. Older grandparents tend to be more formal and cautious about overstepping parental boundaries.

Research suggests there’s a “normative” or “on-time” period for becoming a grandparent. For women, this age range is roughly between 45 and 60. Women who become grandmothers earlier may resist the role due to preconceived notions of grandparenthood being associated with old age. They might express sentiments like “I’m too young to be a grandmother” or “I’m still too busy with my own life, children, career, and interests.” Younger grandmothers are more likely to feel dissatisfied with the grandmother role and unprepared for its responsibilities.

Timberlake and Chipungu’s study compared African-American grandmothers in two age groups: “on-time” grandmothers (46-60 years old) and “off-time” grandmothers (30-41 years old). The “on-time” grandmothers reported that their grandchildren held greater significance for them. Becoming a grandparent later in life (after age 70) can also present challenges to the grandparent-grandchild relationship. Older grandparents may feel regretful that they won’t have as much time with their grandchildren or the physical capacity to engage in all the activities they would like. Age, therefore, influences the way grandparents enact their family watchdog responsibilities.

Amount of Contact: Unsurprisingly, the more frequent the interaction between grandparents and grandchildren, the stronger their relationship and the greater the grandparent’s influence. Geographical proximity is a strong predictor of face-to-face contact. While grandparents living nearby typically have more frequent visits and conversations, maintaining strong long-distance relationships is certainly possible through phone calls, letters, emails, and other forms of communication. Consistent contact is key for grandparents to effectively function as family watchdogs.
Health of the Grandparent: Generally, declining health can negatively impact grandparent-grandchild relationships. Reduced ability to visit and engage in activities together creates obstacles to close connections. Good health enables grandparents to be more active and engaged family watchdogs.
Parent-Grandparent Relationship: Hoyt, Huck, and Whitbeck’s research revealed that negative childhood experiences with their own parents (the grandparent generation) correlated with poorer grandparent-grandchild relationships. Conversely, positive parent-grandparent relationships fostered more frequent contact and greater closeness between grandparents and grandchildren. Parents play a crucial role in facilitating grandparents’ family watchdog role by encouraging interaction and involvement. Parents should create a welcoming environment for grandparents. Furthermore, parents also benefit from grandparent involvement. According to Rutherford, “Marriages flourish with helpful grandparents. Helping with kids—giving parents and children a break from routines—is one of the greatest gifts grandparents can give.”
Gender: Grandmothers typically have closer relationships with grandchildren than grandfathers. This often reflects traditional gender roles of women as nurturers and caregivers. Bengtson refers to grandmothers as “kin keepers,” those who oversee family well-being and stay informed about their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. College students reported engaging in more activities with grandmothers and perceiving them as more influential in value development. Somary and Stricker found that grandmothers reported greater satisfaction than grandfathers after the birth of their first grandchild. They also felt more strongly about their roles as sources of knowledge, indulgence, and restraint in offering parental advice. Grandfathers, conversely, felt more comfortable offering advice to parents as a way to participate in childcare.

In many societies, fathers and grandfathers may be less involved due to perceived lack of childrearing competence. However, children benefit equally from grandfathers as they do from grandmothers. The granddaughter of the late Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin poignantly stated at his funeral, “Grandpa, you are my hero. I want you to know that. Everything I did, I always saw you before me.”

Grandfathers who had demanding work schedules during their own children’s upbringing may find renewed purpose in actively engaging with grandchildren, using it as an opportunity to compensate for missed time with their own children. Parents can actively involve grandfathers by seeking their input and avoiding assumptions that grandmothers are inherently more interested in grandparenting. Both grandmothers and grandfathers contribute to the family watchdog role, albeit often in different ways.

Ethnicity: Cultural norms significantly shape expectations and roles for grandparents. In African American communities, extended families often function as mutual support systems, with grandparents frequently opening their homes to family members. African American grandmothers are more likely to assume childcare responsibilities compared to Caucasian grandmothers. Hispanic cultures also emphasize the expectation of grandmothers assisting in raising grandchildren. Polynesian cultures have traditions of informal grandparental adoptions for children born to unwed mothers or upon the death of a father. These cultural variations demonstrate how the family watchdog role of grandparents is culturally constructed and expressed.
Lineage: Maternal grandmothers tend to be the most involved grandparents in their grandchildren’s lives. Extensive research highlights the special role of maternal grandmothers as an extension of the strong mother-daughter bond. They are typically more available to grandchildren, maintain closer relationships, and are more actively involved. They also report the highest levels of satisfaction in their grandparenting role. The birth of a grandchild often strengthens the bond between a woman and her mother (the maternal grandmother), while tension may increase between a new mother and her mother-in-law. Maternal grandparents generally express greater satisfaction and less concern about acting as wise elders compared to paternal grandparents. Lineage, therefore, influences the intensity and nature of the grandparental family watchdog role.
Education: A grandparent’s education level can influence their attitudes towards grandparenting. Less educated grandparents may believe more strongly in their right to influence family decisions, view grandchildren as crucial for carrying on the family name, value grandchildren’s involvement in their lives, and possess a stronger sense of ownership over grandchildren. They tend to have more frequent contact and demonstrate more direct, personal concern for their grandchildren, often adopting a friend-like and closer relationship compared to more educated grandparents.

More highly educated grandparents tend to participate in a wider range of activities with grandchildren, engage in problem-solving discussions, talk about future aspirations, and act as teachers. They are more inclined to teach specific skills and offer advice. Education level shapes the approach grandparents take in their family watchdog role, influencing their focus and methods of engagement.

Understanding Young Grandchildren Through Developmental Stages

To be the most effective grandparent, it’s essential to understand child development. Erik Erikson’s model of the life cycle, with its eight stages corresponding to emotional tasks, provides a useful framework. Five of these stages are particularly relevant to grandparenting:

Stage One: Birth to 2 Years (Trust vs. Mistrust)

In this stage, children learn to develop trust. Consistent fulfillment of their needs and a sense of safety and security fosters trust. Grandparents can support this by offering positive encouragement to parents and providing occasional babysitting to allow parents time together, which strengthens their marriage. Interactions with the baby should include talking, singing, holding, rocking, and playing, while also respecting the infant’s need for alone time. In this stage, grandparents act as supportive family watchdogs by strengthening the parental unit.

Stage Two: 2 to 4 Years (Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt)

This stage includes the “terrible twos,” characterized by the frequent use of “NO!” and a drive for independence and self-sufficiency. Power struggles with two- and three-year-olds are common and frustrating. Humor and gentle guidance are key. For instance, instead of arguing with a child refusing to come inside, gently take their hand and lead them in.

Children are learning to separate from parents at this stage, so providing positive experiences away from parents promotes autonomy. Encourage exploration through nature walks and social interaction with others. Grandparents act as family watchdogs by fostering independence and exploration within safe boundaries.

Stage Three: 4 to 7 Years (Initiative vs. Guilt)

Initiative is the central task of this stage. Children love to plan, create, and do. Grandparents can support initiative by introducing new ideas, skills, projects, and hobbies. Children at this age enjoy small tasks but still require guidance. Engage them in activities like juicing oranges, washing the car, or gardening. Take their feelings seriously and show respect.

Children at this stage also love imaginative play, which stimulates creativity. When playing pretend, understand their desire for repetition and try to vary themes without controlling their imagination. Grandparents act as family watchdogs by nurturing initiative and creativity.

Stage Four: 7 to 13 Years (Industry vs. Inferiority)

This stage focuses on developing a sense of industry and competence. Children are ready to work and learn. School meets many of these needs, and grandparents can further encourage work and learning through projects like baking, building birdhouses, outings, storytelling, and fostering interests in music, sports, art, and nature. Grandparents serve as family watchdogs by promoting industry and learning.

Stage Five: 14 to 22 Years (Identity vs. Role Confusion)

This is the crucial stage for identity formation. Peers become more influential, and parents less so. Grandparents can offer stability when parents struggle to connect with teenagers. Be available to listen non-judgmentally. Share personal experiences and life philosophies without lecturing. Encourage academic effort and pursuit of interests. Teach them about their cultural heritage. Support their parents. Engage in adventures together and teach constructive problem-solving. In this stage, grandparents are crucial family watchdogs providing guidance and support during identity formation.

Enjoying Relationships with Adult Grandchildren

With increased longevity, it’s now more common to have adult grandchildren. The grandparent-adult grandchild relationship is a relatively recent area of research.

The grandparent role evolves as grandchildren mature, marry, and have their own children. While contact and proximity may decrease as grandchildren gain independence, the relationship remains significant and influential. Many adult grandchildren maintain regular contact with their closest grandparent. The relationship shifts towards friendship rather than obligation. Over 80% of teenagers view grandparents as confidantes. Positive relationships in childhood often transition into positive relationships with adult grandchildren. Grandparents remain important family watchdogs even as grandchildren become adults.

The most significant influence grandparents have on adult grandchildren is in value development. Studies of college students indicate that grandparents play a key role in shaping political, religious, sexual, moral, and educational values, as well as family ideals, work ethic, and identity. Grandparents often continue to offer emotional and financial support to adult grandchildren, who, in turn, feel a sense of responsibility to care for grandparents in their later years. This intergenerational reciprocity underscores the enduring family watchdog role of grandparents.

Taylor’s study of adult grandchildren and grandfathers found that nearly all participants felt emotionally close to their grandfathers and considered the grandfather role “very important.” Adult grandchildren expected grandfathers to be dependable, be positive examples, treat their grandmothers kindly, and show love and acceptance.

Activities that strengthen bonds between adult grandchildren and grandfathers include family gatherings (reunions, birthdays, picnics, holidays), collaborative projects, recreational activities (games, puzzles, hunting, fishing), and meaningful conversations. Taylor concluded that strong bonds are built on frequent contact, mutual support, and open communication.

Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships with Grandchildren

Maintaining connection with grandchildren who live far away requires conscious effort to remain present in their lives. Create a list of important dates like birthdays, recitals, and sports events and make a special effort to acknowledge them.

Phone calls are an excellent way to stay in touch. Children of all ages can benefit from hearing a grandparent’s voice. Guidelines for phone calls include:

Start by asking if it’s a convenient time to talk. Offer to call back if it’s not.
Ask open-ended questions that encourage more than “yes” or “no” answers.
Share details about your day and life to help grandchildren get to know you.
Listen empathetically.
Speak to each grandchild individually, rather than using speakerphone or multiple extensions.

Letters are a cherished way to show grandchildren you’re thinking of them and provide a tangible keepsake. Children love receiving mail. Include small items like stickers or pictures. Encourage their writing skills by asking them to write back. Record yourself reading stories or send photos of your activities to help them feel connected.

Email offers quick and easy communication. Family websites can be used to share photos, stories, and reminders of special dates. These methods help long-distance grandparents function as virtual family watchdogs, maintaining connection and influence across miles.

Making Visits Meaningful and Enjoyable

When visiting grandchildren, shorter visits (around three days) are often best—leaving them wanting more. Longer stays can disrupt family routines, so be mindful and respectful. Tips for enjoyable visits include:

Plan an outing or activity to give parents a break.
Offer to help with household chores.
Schedule visits around holidays or special events and share family traditions.
Take photos and share copies to help grandchildren remember the visit.

When grandchildren visit you:

Prepare your home by removing breakables and ensuring safety.
Ask grandchildren about their interests before the visit and plan activities accordingly.
Adjust your schedule to allow for ample time together.
Remember that children are energetic and things might get a bit chaotic.
Create a collection of toys, crayons, books, and movies.
Plan meals in advance and have healthy snacks available.
Provide plenty of unstructured playtime.
Be flexible, as plans rarely unfold perfectly with children.
Pace yourself and avoid over-scheduling. Thoughtful visit planning helps grandparents maximize their role as engaged family watchdogs.

Thoughtful Gift-Giving

Gifts are expressions of love and appreciation. Always seek parents’ permission before giving gifts to avoid potential issues. Consider the purpose of the gift: to encourage learning, skill development, introduce new ideas, provide fun, or promote play? Don’t wait solely for special occasions, as spontaneous gifts can also foster learning and growth. Gifts needn’t be expensive. Gift ideas include:

Educational toys like blocks, play dough, puzzles.
Books.
Clothing (especially for adolescents, ask for specific preferences).
Money for lessons or classes.
Tickets to cultural or sporting events.
Charitable donations in the grandchild’s name. Gift-giving is one way grandparents act as supportive family watchdogs, investing in their grandchildren’s well-being and development.

Grandparenting Grandchildren of Divorce

A New York survey revealed that approximately 50% of individuals over 60 are likely to experience a child’s divorce. Divorce significantly impacts grandparents, often weakening family ties. Divorce can also clash with grandparents’ values, straining grandparent-child relationships.

Divorce frequently leads to a “reorientation of kinship.” Mothers, who typically gain custody, may rely more heavily on maternal grandparents for financial and childcare support, strengthening ties with maternal grandparents. Paternal grandparents may face reduced contact with grandchildren, potentially losing a direct link. However, paternal grandparents can often maintain involvement by nurturing a continued friendship with the mother and arranging visits when children are with their father. Loyalty conflicts can arise for paternal grandparents if the father remarries and has stepchildren.

Adjusting to divorce is complicated by the lack of social rituals surrounding it. Social norms for post-divorce extended family relationships are unclear, creating a state of “social limbo.” Despite this ambiguity, divorce often necessitates a more active role for grandparents in their grandchildren’s lives. Grandparents can provide crucial stability and continuity during a time of insecurity and distress for grandchildren, acting as vital family watchdogs during family upheaval.

The natural inclination to side with one’s own child in a divorce should be resisted. Grandparents should strive for neutrality for the sake of their grandchildren. Divorcing parents experience intense emotions, and grandparents can act as mediators and offer unbiased support if they haven’t taken sides. This support can include childcare, financial assistance, empathetic listening, encouragement, participation in family rituals to maintain normalcy (birthdays, graduations, holidays), and planning enjoyable activities for grandchildren. Strom and Strom advise grandparents to be a friend to their grandchildren and patiently allow their role to redefine itself after a divorce.

Grandparents as Childcare Providers: Expanding Roles

Grandparents are increasingly being asked to provide childcare for grandchildren. The level of care varies widely, from occasional babysitting to long-term, routine care. While most grandparents are willing to provide occasional support, the increasing demand for routine or long-term care signifies a significant shift, expanding their family watchdog role into direct caregiving. Research indicates that grandparents generally believe parents should be the primary caregivers, adult children should be independent, and grandparental help should be reserved for necessary situations.

The traditional role of occasional babysitting or emergency support has expanded due to several societal trends:

Increased numbers of working mothers, who often prefer family care over non-family childcare and may seek grandparental help due to affordability issues.
Rising divorce rates, forcing more mothers to work and arrange childcare.
Increased rates of teen mothers and emotionally unprepared adult mothers, leading to a need for grandparental co-parenting or surrogate parenting.
Rising rates of parental substance abuse and incarceration.

Grandparents as Surrogate Parents: Full-Time Caregivers

Full-time caregiving becomes necessary when a parent is absent or unable to provide adequate care. This situation moves grandparents beyond their traditional role and requires significant relationship restructuring. When grandparents assume full-time care, they become “surrogate parents.” Surrogate parenting typically occurs in two scenarios:

Coresidence: Grandparent and parent jointly provide care, common when teenage mothers live with their single mothers.
Custodial Care: Grandparent takes grandchildren into their home and assumes full parental responsibility.

Coresidence is more frequent and often arises during parental transitions like divorce, job changes, unemployment, or financial hardship. In 1997, about 11% of grandparents reported having a grandchild living with them. In these situations, grandparents become primary family watchdogs, assuming direct parental responsibilities.

Effects of Surrogate Parenting on Children and Grandparents

During stressful times, grandparents can provide crucial secure attachment for young children. Increased grandmother-grandchild contact strengthens the grandmother’s role as an attachment figure. Studies of teenage mothers living with grandparents show that grandfathers have a positive influence, likely by providing a nurturing male role model.

Brown and colleagues found no significant difference in physical health between school-aged children in two-parent families, single-parent families, and grandparent-headed households. Emotional well-being was generally good, but over half the children experienced some negative effects due to parental absence. However, Solomon and Marx found that children living with grandparents were less academically successful and less likely to complete high school compared to children in two-parent households. While grandparents offer vital care, surrogate parenting situations often arise from complex family challenges that can impact children.

Surrogate parenting also profoundly affects grandparents. While many envision grandparenting as voluntary visits and joyful interactions, full-time caregiving is demanding and often stems from family trauma. Grandparents in full-time care may experience increased fatigue and reduced time for their spouse, friends, and personal pursuits.

Bowers and Myers’ study comparing grandmothers providing full-time, part-time, and no care found that while most caregivers felt they had excellent relationships with their grandchildren, full-time caregivers were more likely to experience negative changes in their spousal relationships, including reduced privacy and spousal jealousy. Full-time caregivers also reported higher stress and burden levels, correlated with more behavioral issues in grandchildren. Part-time caregivers reported the highest levels of satisfaction in their grandparent role.

Surrogate grandparents face unique challenges, including role confusion, with young grandchildren sometimes unsure what to call them. Many surrogate grandparents express sadness, wondering about past mistakes or feeling disappointed in their adult children, grieving the loss of the grandparenting role they had envisioned. “You cannot be a grandparent and a parent too. You grieve because it hasn’t turned out like you thought. You expected to rear children and then to sit back and be a grandparent. Now I can’t be a grandparent. I have to be a parent . . . again.” Despite challenges, surrogate parenting offers the reward of close connection with grandchildren and the opportunity to impart values and offer experienced guidance. Ninety-six percent of full-time caregivers in Bowers and Meyer’s study stated they would take on the responsibility again if given the choice. Despite the burdens, surrogate grandparents step into an intense family watchdog role out of love and necessity.

Coping Strategies for Surrogate Grandparents

Strom and Strom offer suggestions for grandparents raising grandchildren to enhance their success:

Revise Personal Goals: Acknowledge and adjust to the disruption of retirement plans and leisure time. Address potential resentment towards adult children to prevent grandchildren from feeling unwanted.
Maintain Optimism: Cultivate a positive outlook and reassure grandchildren that their presence brings joy.
Adapt to Contemporary Challenges: Recognize the changed landscape of childhood and adolescence. Acquire knowledge about effective discipline and peer influence dynamics. Adapt to increased school expectations for guardian involvement.
Cooperate with Co-Parenting Parents: In co-resident situations, ensure clear communication and avoid undermining each other or competing for the child’s affection. Both parent and grandparent should reassure the child of their love.
Monitor Social and Academic Progress: Be vigilant for signs of rejection or abandonment feelings in grandchildren, which can manifest as depression, anger, or academic difficulties. Seek counseling if needed and provide academic support through tutoring or collaboration with teachers.
Arrange Respite Care: Recognize the demanding nature of full-time parenting at an older age. Schedule time for rest, hobbies, exercise, and stress relief to prevent burnout and maintain well-being.
Access Social Services and Understand Rights: Become informed about available social services and legal rights for caregiver grandparents, including daycare, healthcare, and legal aid. Explore resources like the Brookdale Foundation and Raising Our Children’s Kids (ROCKING) for information and support groups. These coping strategies help surrogate grandparents effectively navigate their demanding family watchdog role.

For More Information

http://www.cyberparent.com/gran/ Provides articles of interest to grandparents, a discussion group, ideas for activities with grandkids, and tips for keeping in touch with grandchildren.

http://www.aarp.org/confacts/programs/grandraising.html Official website of the AARP Foundation, a national program that provides services for seniors. It gives links to support groups, financial assistance, and other services for grandparents raising grandchildren.

Written by Marisa Beebe, Research Assistant, and edited by Susanne Olsen Roper and Stephen F. Duncan, professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

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