It’s confession time. On hudsonfamily.net, we usually delve into the world of family activities and creating memorable moments. But today, let’s tee off on a topic that might just be as controversial as deflated footballs – Family Sports Golf. And no, we’re not blaming any lost family tournaments on faulty golf balls… or are we? Let’s just say, sometimes the truth about family sports golf can be as inflated as the stakes on the 18th hole.
This is what family bonding is all about. Allegedly. #FamilySportsGolf #GolfTruth pic.twitter.com/3yVDeEacYx
Now for the drive down the fairway of fun. The light bulb moment. The New England Deflatriots AFC Championship #DeflateGate controversy and “A Few Good Men”? It’s pure comedic genius. And it got us thinking… what if we applied that dramatic courtroom intensity to the surprisingly intense world of family sports golf? Thus, “A Few Bad Rounds” was born:
[Dad chuckles nervously while on the putting green]
Junior: Is this funny, Dad?
Dad: [face falls to a look of mock disgust] No, it isn’t. It’s tragic.
Junior: Do you have an answer to the question, Dad? What happened to my birdie putt?
Dad: Absolutely. My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue. Maybe the green was slower than it looked. And maybe your brother’s putt rolled further than it should have too. I’m a family man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about the physics of a golf ball on artificial turf in our backyard. What I do know is that I won this round of family sports golf 3 up. Now, are these the questions I was really called here to answer? Kids complaining about putts and green speeds? Please tell me that you have something more, Grizzly Adams. You lost fair and square. Please tell me your dreams of family sports golf glory haven’t sunk because of a slightly off-center putt.
[Junior hesitates, looking defeated]
Dad: Do you have any more questions for me, Champ?
Mom (acting as referee): Mr. Junior? [pause] Do you have anything further for this witness? I’m now required by family sports golf rules to investigate every single complaint, no matter how small.
[Dad defiantly picks up his putter, ready to head to the clubhouse (kitchen)]
Dad: Thanks, Honey. I think I’ll go make victory snacks.
Junior: Excuse me. I didn’t dismiss you.
Dad: I beg your pardon?
Junior: I’m not through with my examination. Stay on the green.
Dad: Coach.
Junior: What’s that?
Dad: I would appreciate it if he would address me as “Coach” or “Sir.” I believe I’ve earned it. After all, I am the family sports golf champion today.
Mom (Referee): Mr. Junior will address the witness as “Coach” or “Sir.”
Dad: [to Mom] I don’t know what the hell kind of family sports golf league you’re running here.
Mom (Referee): And the witness will address me as “Referee.” I’m quite certain I’ve earned it. Especially after umpiring your last backyard badminton match. Take your stance, Coach.
Junior: A moment ago, you said that you instructed me to watch your winning swing closely so I could learn.
Dad: That’s right.
Junior: And I was clear on what you wanted?
Dad: Crystal.
Junior: Any chance I misinterpreted your swing tips?
Dad: Misinterpreted the tips?
Junior: Any chance I forgot them immediately after you said them?
Dad: No.
Junior: Any chance I went back to my own swing and ignored your expert advice on family sports golf?
Dad: You ever played family sports golf, son?
Junior: No, sir.
Dad: Ever won a family sports golf tournament?
Junior: No, sir.
Dad: Ever sunk the winning putt in front of your adoring family gallery?
Junior: No, sir.
Dad: We follow instructions in family sports golf, son. We follow instructions or we lose. It’s that simple. Are we clear?
Junior: Yes, sir.
Dad: Are we clear?!
Junior: Crystal. Coach, I just have one more question before we review the scorecard and declare you the family sports golf victor. If you gave me clear instructions on how to improve my swing, and your instructions are always followed, then why did I still slice my drive on the 7th hole? Why was it necessary for Mom to give me a penalty stroke?
Dad: The golf clubs were low quality clubs. They’re kids clubs…
Junior: That’s not what you said. You said my grip was too tight.
Dad: That’s correct.
Junior: You said you were unaware of my slice. I said “you had no idea”? You said…
Dad: I recall what I said.
Junior: I could have Mom replay the video of your swing analysis…
Dad: I know what I said! I don’t have to have it replayed to me, like I’m…
Junior: Then why the slice, Coach?
Dad: Sometimes, in family sports golf, players… just slice.
Junior: No, sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that your players never deviate from your instructions. Your players follow orders or they lose family sports golf championships. So my drive shouldn’t have sliced, should it, Coach?
Dad: You whiny, little sandbagger.
Mom (Referee): Commish, I’d like to call for snack time. Maybe celebratory ice cream?
Junior: I’d like an answer to the question, Commish.
Mom (Referee): The commish will wait for an answer. I’ve learned my lesson this year about patience in family sports golf disputes. Is there any video evidence of this slice? No. Okay, just checking.
Junior: If you gave me an order to follow your swing advice, then why did my drive slice? Coach? You ordered me to slice the drive, didn’t you? Because that’s what you secretly wanted so you could win family sports golf!
Dad: Objection!
Junior: And when Mom saw it, you blamed my cheap golf clubs! You had me practice my swing all week, you showed off your perfect form, and you blamed the clubs!
Dad: Damn it, Junior!
Junior: You manipulated family sports golf!
Mom (Referee): Consider yourself… still in the game, but on thin ice!
Junior: Coach Dad, did you order me to slice the drive AFTER you saw my tee shot trajectory?!
Mom (Referee): You don’t have to answer that question! (Unless of course there’s video replay available…)
Dad: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?
Junior: I think I’m entitled!
Dad: You want answers?!
Junior: I want the truth!
Dad: You can’t handle the truth about family sports golf! Son, we live in a world that only remembers winners in family sports, and those wins have to be earned to build family bragging rights. Who’s gonna ensure that? You? You, little almost-won-once Junior? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You whine about sliced drives and you blame the golf clubs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that in family sports golf, winning sometimes requires… strategic advice. And my existence, while occasionally frustrating to you, wins family sports golf games! You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about during family game night, you want me to win at family sports golf. You need me to win at family sports golf. We use words like “sportsmanship”, “fair play”, “practice”. We use these words as the foundation of a life spent striving for family fun. You use them as excuses. I have neither the time nor the patience to explain myself to a kid who benefits from the family sports golf excitement that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said “good game, Dad”, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a putter, and try to beat my score next time. Either way, I don’t give a darn what you think you are entitled to in family sports golf!
Junior: Did you order me to slice the drive?
Dad: I coached a family sports golf round that kicked your—
Junior: Did you order me to slice the drive?!!
Dad: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!
Dad: [Mom dismisses the “courtroom” (backyard)] What is this? What’s going on? I did what it takes to win in family sports golf, I’d do it again! [stands up proudly] I’m gonna win the next family sports golf tournament and I’m going to…get extra dessert!
Mom (Referee): You’re not going anywhere, Coach. Kids… eject the Coach to the comfy chair for a time out!
[Kids playfully “eject” Dad to a lawn chair]
Mom (Referee): Mr. Junior?
Dad: What the heck is this?
Mom (Referee): Coach Dad, you are being a bit of a sore winner. I told you after the last family sports golf game…
Dad: [while Mom continues playfully scolding him] I’m being accused of unsportsmanlike conduct in family sports golf? Is that what this is? I’m being accused of taking family sports golf too seriously? This is funny. That’s what this is. This is… [turning to Junior and playfully lunging at him] I’m gonna tickle the frustration right out of you and then we’re going to practice our putting together! You messed with the wrong family sports golf enthusiast!
Mom (Referee): Coach Dad, do you understand the impact you’ve had on our family sports golf legacy?
Dad: You silly family. You have no idea how to truly enjoy family sports golf. All you did was make family sports golf even more fun today, Junior. That’s all you did. You “deflated” my ego just a little. Good “Luck” next time, son.
Junior: Don’t call me son. I’m a future family sports golf champion, of this household. And you’re a hilarious, slightly competitive son of a fun. Coach Dad is… taking a break.
Credit: Adapted with playful family sports golf themes from the original movie quotes of “A Few Good Men” found at WikiQuote.com
