For many, “Long Lost Family” is heartwarming television. The dramatic reunions, the emotional music, and the promise of happy ever after are undeniably compelling. Before I emerged from what adoptees call the “adoption fog,” I too was captivated. I anticipated the cathartic tears and marveled at the perceived ease with which families were reunited on screen.
However, now, having navigated my own adoption reunions and gained clarity on the complexities of adoption, I find myself unable to watch. And I’m not alone. For many adoptees, adoptive families, and birth families, the show, while popular, is a source of frustration and misrepresentation. How can a program hosted by an adoptee, Nicky Campbell, get it so wrong?
Here are key reasons why “Long Lost Family” leaves a sour taste for many in the adoption community:
1. Unrealistic Search Process Expectations
The show dramatically compresses and simplifies the often arduous search for birth relatives. In reality, finding biological family can be a lengthy, expensive, and emotionally taxing process. Many adoptees spend years, even decades, searching with limited success. Some rely on online communities for clues, others resort to DNA testing, and some invest heavily in private investigators, whose fees can be substantial.
The “Long Lost Family” researchers are professionals with resources unavailable to the average person. The show sets an unrealistic expectation that reunions are easily achievable and successful, which is far from the truth. Many adoptees encounter incomplete information, dead ends, and unanswered inquiries through letters, emails, social media, and genealogy sites like Ancestry. This disparity between the show’s portrayal and reality can be incredibly disheartening for those navigating the search process.
2. The Isolated Adoptee Narrative
“Long Lost Family” often presents the adoptee as embarking on this journey in isolation. Adoptees, however, exist within a network of relationships – adoptive families, friends, partners. Why are these support systems typically absent from the narrative? The reunion process can be emotionally challenging, and feeling alone amplifies this difficulty. While some adoptees choose not to involve their adoptive families for various personal reasons, the show’s consistent depiction of solitary searches subtly reinforces the outdated and harmful idea that adoptees should feel guilty or secretive about seeking their origins, fearing their adoptive parents’ disapproval.
Even when adoptees prefer not to involve adoptive parents directly, suggesting that they have no other support system – no siblings, friends, or partners to lean on – is a disservice to the reality of adoptee experiences. Including these support figures would provide a more balanced and accurate portrayal of the reunion journey.
3. The Scripted “Hi Mum!” or “Hi Dad!”
A recurring trope in “Long Lost Family” is the adoptee’s enthusiastic greeting of “Hi Mum!” or “Hi Dad!” upon meeting their birth parent for the first time. This feels formulaic and contrived, leading to the suspicion that it’s contractually obligated. In reality, many adoptees, even those with positive relationships with their adoptive families, are more likely to use a birth parent’s first name initially. The immediate adoption of parental terms feels inauthentic and overly sentimental, potentially misrepresenting the complex emotions and dynamics at play in these initial encounters.
4. Lack of Long-Term Reunion Follow-Up
While spin-off episodes occasionally revisit families, “Long Lost Family” largely lacks substantial medium and long-term follow-up. The show focuses heavily on the emotional high of the initial reunion, neglecting to depict the often complex and nuanced reality that unfolds afterward. Many reunions face challenges beyond the “honeymoon phase.” Relationships can falter, expectations may clash, and unresolved issues can surface. By failing to showcase these longer-term dynamics, the show can create a misleading impression that reunion is always a guaranteed happy ending. This lack of realism can leave adoptees who experience difficulties post-reunion feeling inadequate or like their experience is somehow “wrong.” More emphasis on the ongoing support and navigation needed for reunions to truly thrive is crucial.
5. Ignoring the Ripple Effect on Wider Family Relationships
“Long Lost Family” often focuses solely on the reunion between the adoptee and their birth parent, overlooking the broader impact on existing family structures. Birth parents often have other children who may be unaware of a previously adopted-out sibling. Assimilating a new family member into these established dynamics can be challenging and emotionally complex for everyone involved. Similarly, partners of birth mothers and fathers can experience difficulties adjusting to the reunion dynamic. These wider relationship impacts are rarely explored on the show, presenting an incomplete picture of the reunion process. It is important to acknowledge and depict these complexities to provide a more realistic and helpful portrayal of reunion’s effects.
6. Insufficient Signposting to Adoption Support Services
Crucially, “Long Lost Family” doesn’t adequately highlight the limited support services available to adoptees and birth families pre- and post-reunion. Navigating reunion requires emotional support, guidance, and access to resources. In the UK, organizations like PAC-UK offer vital services, including counseling and intermediary support. The show should consistently and prominently signpost viewers to these resources to ensure that individuals inspired to search or struggling with reunion have access to professional help. Providing this information is essential for responsible and ethical broadcasting on such a sensitive topic.
7. Silencing Adoptee Voices
Finally, “Long Lost Family,” despite its well-intentioned premise, ultimately speaks for adoptees rather than amplifying adoptee voices. The show controls the narrative, shaping the reunion stories to fit a particular television format. True adoptee experiences are diverse and multifaceted. There are numerous platforms where adoptees share their own stories in their own words – blogs, podcasts, memoirs, and online communities. “Long Lost Family” should consider incorporating these authentic voices and platforms into their programming, or at the very least, acknowledge their existence and value. Empowering adoptees to share their own narratives is paramount to a more accurate and respectful representation of adoption reunion.
Ultimately, while “Long Lost Family” may provide emotional entertainment for some, it falls short of representing the true complexities and nuances of adoption reunion. For adoptees and their families, it’s crucial to seek out and share authentic stories that reflect the realities of this lifelong journey, beyond the simplified narratives presented on television.
For support with adoption reunion in the UK, contact PAC-UK (phone line 020 7284 5879).
An Adoptee x
