Family Prayer. The very phrase can conjure up images of serene, picture-perfect moments of spiritual connection. However, for many parents, the reality of praying with children often feels far from idyllic. It can be filled with squabbles, distractions, and a sense of personal frustration. If you’ve ever felt a pang of guilt or inadequacy because family prayer feels more like a chore than a cherished ritual, you are not alone.
As a parent deeply involved in faith formation, I, too, have wrestled with the challenges of family prayer. The gap between the ideal and the everyday reality can be disheartening. One moment you envision a peaceful gathering of hearts turned towards God, and the next you’re mediating sibling disputes or trying to keep a toddler from staging a noisy protest. Even on days when the chaos is minimal, the quiet resentment can creep in. The precious moments carved out for prayer seem to be diluted by the very individuals you’re trying to guide closer to faith. The longing for personal, undistracted prayer time can feel overwhelming, leaving you questioning the value of the family prayer effort.
This internal struggle can lead to a spiral of self-doubt, making you question your effectiveness as a spiritual guide for your children. The guilt of skipping family prayer altogether, simply to avoid the potential turmoil, can be heavy. But there’s good news: these feelings are not a sign of failure. Instead, they are an invitation to a deeper understanding of family prayer and God’s grace. My own journey has revealed a path towards not just accepting, but truly embracing the beautiful chaos inherent in family prayer, transforming it from a duty into a source of unexpected joy and spiritual growth.
This shift in perspective came through embracing three key principles that reframed my approach to family prayer and eased the internal tension: building humility through love, trusting in unexpected spiritual fruits, and acknowledging the inherent struggle as a normal part of the prayer journey.
Building Up Humility in Family Prayer
The Apostle Paul’s wisdom in his letter to the Corinthians offers profound guidance for navigating the complexities of family prayer. Paul emphasizes that “knowledge puffs up, but love builds up” (1 Corinthians 8:1). He urges believers to prioritize the needs of others, especially those less mature in faith, rather than seeking personal advantage (1 Corinthians 10:24). This principle of prioritizing love and building up others became a cornerstone in reshaping my understanding of family prayer.
As parents, we naturally hold a more mature faith perspective than our children. We possess a broader understanding of prayer forms and often have preconceived notions of what constitutes “good” prayer. However, this very knowledge can inflate our expectations and lead to a skewed focus on our own adult ideals of prayer. Paul’s reminder that “love builds up” serves as a crucial corrective.
Leading family prayer is not about achieving my personal ideal prayer experience. It’s about using love as the building material to nurture the spiritual growth of my family. Paul eloquently describes this love: “Love is patient, love is kind… it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). As I consciously infused patience, kindness, selflessness, and forgiveness into my role as the family prayer leader, the frustrations and disappointments began to dissipate.
A family kneeling in prayer together, emphasizing the importance of family prayer.
My approach shifted from seeking personal fulfillment in prayer to actively seeking the benefit of my family (1 Corinthians 10:33). Humility became the guiding principle, allowing me to set aside my “superior” adult wisdom and intentions and recognize the equal value of my children’s contributions, needs, and preferences within our shared prayer time. This doesn’t mean abandoning guidance, but rather, leading with a heart open to the unique spiritual expressions of each family member.
Trusting in the Unexpected Fruits of Family Prayer
The Catechism of the Catholic Church beautifully articulates that children “contribute greatly to the good of their parents” (CCC, 2728). On days when family prayer felt particularly challenging, clinging to this truth became a lifeline. When a child insisted on repeating a simple song or requested the same Bible story for the tenth time, I would intentionally reflect: how is this contributing to my good? What message might the Spirit be whispering through this seemingly repetitive moment? Even during disruptions, like when needing to remove a child from the prayer space due to disruptive behavior, I’d ponder: how is this contributing to my good? Is God teaching me patience and unconditional love in these moments?
These disruptions, while not desired, became opportunities to recognize God’s subtle work. The Church’s wisdom—that children, in their entirety, contribute to the growth of their parents—became a source of profound reassurance. It instilled trust that even amidst the perceived chaos and distractions, God is present and active. He is gently shaping me, fostering unexpected spiritual growth through the very act of praying with my family, even when it feels imperfect.
Recognizing the Struggle as Part of Family Prayer
It’s crucial for parents to normalize the struggle associated with both family and personal prayer. The Catechism itself includes a section titled “The Battle of Prayer,” acknowledging the inherent challenges in prayer, a reality experienced by saints and everyday believers alike. Feeling like family prayer is a “battle” doesn’t signify spiritual inadequacy. It simply confirms our shared human experience.
The Catechism offers valuable insights for engaging in this “battle” effectively. Firstly, it emphasizes that choosing to pray is not contingent on achieving a state of perfect serenity beforehand. Prayer is an act of will, a response to God that requires conscious effort (CCC, 2650, 2725). We can choose to pray and lead our families in prayer regardless of our current mental, spiritual, or emotional state. We don’t need to have it all together to approach God. We can pray on days filled with ease and on days when even simple tasks feel overwhelming.
Historically, the Hebrew word for “Satan” translates to “the accuser.” This accusatory voice often surfaces when we grapple with prayer, whispering doubts of inadequacy or distance from God. However, Jesus, the ultimate power, offers a contrasting message: “I am with you always” (Matthew 28:20). We are not alone in this endeavor. With Jesus, perseverance becomes possible. The more consistently we make even small efforts to pray with our children, the easier it gradually becomes. As family prayer became a more regular rhythm in our home, my expectations naturally adjusted. Every prayer session doesn’t need to be a profound mountaintop experience; there’s always another opportunity tomorrow.
Life’s fluctuations, like the shifts brought about by the recent pandemic, can impact family prayer dynamics. For some, it might feel easier; for others, more challenging. The core truth remains: family prayer requires effort. However, when parents approach it with humility and trust, they can release themselves from unrealistic expectations, self-judgment, and guilt. In doing so, they open themselves and their children to the transformative power of God’s love working through the beautiful, sometimes chaotic, reality of family prayer.
Colleen R. Vermeulen, MDiv, MNA, is an experienced catechist and faith formation leader. She is passionate about helping families connect with their faith in meaningful ways.
