It’s a challenge to even pinpoint what the term “partner” truly signifies. For a significant period, my partner was John Calley, a friend in his 70s, our connection forged through daily conversations. He was my steadfast support, the one who helped me navigate the emotional fallout of failed romantic endeavors. Our relationship was platonic, but did that diminish his role as a partner in my life?
The concept of a “primary” partner has also always puzzled me. Does this imply a hierarchy of relationships – secondary, tertiary partners? Can a primary partner be a sibling, a child, a dearest friend, or is it solely reserved for someone with whom we share a sexual relationship? Consider my two friends, sisters who’ve lived together for fifteen years, raising a daughter as a team. Are they not partners because their relationship isn’t sexual? And what about countless married couples who haven’t shared intimacy in years? Does the absence of sex negate their partnership?
My feelings for Clare are different from the tumultuous, butterfly-inducing loves of the past. They are rooted in something far deeper. As our bond deepened, my affection for her intensified, leading me to share the reality of our relationship with my large, traditionally-minded Italian-Polish family in Philadelphia.
My father’s acceptance was characteristically understated, delivered between puffs of his cigar as we overlooked Atlantic City from a casino rooftop. “She’s a good girl, good for you,” he simply stated. My mother and the rest of my family echoed his sentiment, perhaps proving they weren’t as traditional as I had believed.
My understanding of attachment and partnership is that they are fluid, ever-changing. Jack’s father, Dan, will always be my partner because of our shared commitment to Jack. Dan is an exceptional father and an incredible man. The non-sexual nature of our relationship doesn’t lessen his role as my partner in parenthood. We are united by core values, most importantly, prioritizing our son. My recent ex, Bryn, also remains a partner because of our shared passion for activism. And Clare will forever be my partner because, above all, she is my best friend.
