It’s estimated that nearly half of Americans are sending holiday cards this year to connect with loved ones, according to a survey by Shutterfly. This tradition, while seemingly heartwarming, can be a source of stress and obligation for many, especially when it comes to Family Christmas Cards. For some, like myself, sending out family christmas cards feels less like a joyful connection and more like a duty, tinged with a sense of dread. While holiday cards are often presented as a harmless and pleasant custom, the reality is that for those from dysfunctional families, the act of sending or receiving family christmas cards can be weaponized and become a source of emotional pain.
For instance, in my family, a FedExed christmas card once became the unlikely linchpin preventing holiday turmoil. The seemingly simple gesture of sending a family christmas card carried immense weight, capable of either ensuring seasonal peace or triggering a cascade of drama, anger, and judgmental lectures. The smiling faces and warm holiday greetings typically displayed on these cards often mask the complicated undercurrents and potential for conflict that family christmas cards can represent.
It was a relief to discover that I wasn’t alone in experiencing holiday card-related anxiety. Conversations within support groups for individuals from toxic family backgrounds revealed shared experiences of guilt-tripping and conflict centered around family christmas cards. Knowing that others navigate similar pressures offers a sense of validation. As I seek ways to minimize my own involvement in this holiday tradition, it’s important for others who feel burdened by family christmas card obligations to know they are not alone in feeling this way.
One vivid childhood memory perfectly illustrates the disproportionate significance placed on holiday cards within my family. My uncle, living in New York while my grandmother resided in Florida, found himself in a panic just two days before Christmas. He realized he had completely forgotten to send his mother a holiday card. His frantic reaction led to a rushed trip to purchase a card and an expensive overnight FedEx delivery, forever marking it as the most costly family christmas card in our history.
As a child, the power attributed to sending—or neglecting to send—a family christmas card was baffling. We were already connecting with family throughout the holidays, and phone calls to my grandmother were guaranteed on Christmas morning. Yet, that FedExed christmas card was deemed essential, the only thing preventing a holiday season overshadowed by family discord.
This incident was just a precursor to future Christmases. In my family dynamic, failing to send family christmas cards, or sending one that didn’t meet unspoken and ever-shifting standards, resulted in social exile. The offender would remain in the family’s doghouse until the perceived slight was deemed resolved – a period that could extend from Boxing Day well into the New Year, or occasionally, even until Easter. These experiences of holidays marred by arguments and long-held resentments over greeting card etiquette instilled in me a damaging belief. I began to internalize the notion that the performance of sending family christmas cards was a legitimate measure of my worth within the family and as a friend.
It’s therefore understandable that I am actively seeking ways to step away from this expectation entirely. This endeavor, however, is still accompanied by feelings of guilt and unease. It requires constant reminders that prioritizing my own needs and mental health is equally important as fulfilling perceived family obligations.
According to licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin, participating in holiday traditions solely out of obligation or to please others carries the risk of “spending all our time, energy, and money making other people happy without considering our own needs.” This insightful perspective highlights the importance of self-care during the holiday season, especially when navigating potentially stressful family dynamics related to traditions like family christmas cards.
As I gradually disentangle myself from ritualistic obligations, aiming to reclaim personal well-being and establish healthier, drama-free traditions, the decision to decline participation in even seemingly minor customs like sending family christmas cards has become a significant act of setting boundaries.
Despite recognizing the need for change, reducing the number of family christmas cards I send this year is still a struggle. The deeply ingrained feeling that neglecting holiday greetings equates to being a bad person persists, preying on insecurities and compelling me to send at least a limited number of cards.
However, I did manage to significantly reduce my card list from 50 to just 12. This small victory translates to considerable savings on postage, funds that can be redirected towards more personally meaningful endeavors. Inspired by a friend who opted out of cards altogether to donate to Planned Parenthood, an organization I deeply support, I am embracing the opportunity to reimagine holiday traditions. This shift allows for the development of traditions that are purpose-driven and genuinely reflect acts of love and care. Now, that’s a truly meaningful holiday message worth sharing.
